A Dude from Bulgaria

So a guy from Bulgaria was talking at my church today. Well, it’s the church I go to when I’m able to anyway. I thought that his talk was really filled with the Holy Spirit. Listening to him, I realized I don’t really trust that God has the best for my life. I realized my heart is severely broken over a lot of things. There is a lot of pain there, and some has been healed over the years, but something happened to my faith along the way, going through a lot of intense hardships. Something got ruined.

Toward the end of the guest speaker’s talk, when we were praying as a church, the guy from Bulgaria said something like, ” I feel someone here has something in their faith that is ruined or screwed with a lot” and I knew he was talking about me. I felt so burdened I didn’t even raise my hand when he asked.  

I feel like I’m missing out on so many things, and I don’t feel as loved by Him as I think he loves other people. So readers, if you would pray that this would change, and that I would really experience God’s kindness in a new way and also that I would trust Him more. Thanks!

The Neglected Physical Aspect of Mental Health

Today I’m writing in hopes that I can help others. In this society when someone is having difficulties, we address the mind, and if you are in certain communities, the spirit. But what about the body and it’s interaction with the mind? Did you know that just by eating certain foods, I will get, for a while, unchangeably and extremely, depressed, anxious, paranoid, disorientated, and/or furious? (usually a combination of them). In fact, my whole personality changes after consuming certain foods. There are also more typically physical symptoms. I was never taught in school or any other institution that this was a possibility and I suffered for long years under great stress and at many times, agony.
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Sadly, there is no place in the church for me

I’m writing this as a young person with autoimmune health problems. I’ve had to move around a lot since I graduated college because of having to quit or get fired from jobs because of my health. I’ve had the opportunity to be part of different kinds of churches. I’ve tried to help where I could, but I’ve come to the conclusion, there is no place in churches for me. And I’m guessing there are a lot of other sick people that have had similar experiences. A lot of time I can’t even make it to a church because of health problems. Other times, I don’t want to go for fear of getting mad at someone. You see, my mood gets altered by the changes going on in my brain and liver. It’s not a being in a bad mood thing, but a physical change that cannot be controlled. Other times, when I go, I can’t commit to anything because I’m undependable as my physical abilities are so inconsistent. So the only thing I know to do, because I want to follow and obey Jesus, is to pray. That’s the only thing I can do on a consistent basis. And I will continue to do it.

Unable to Smile

I’m writing this because I am unable to smile. Sometimes, anyway. No, no it’s not a positive thinking thing. It’s a physical thing. My autoimmune problems make my face very stiff sometimes, preventing me from making a lot of facial expressions. Sometimes it’s so bad I can’t even smile. Other times, I can smile, but only by “forcing” my muscles by great effort, resulting in a weird looking expression. Why is this important? Well, for one, it is very alienating. It’s more difficult to have healthy relationships with others. I’ve learned through having this autoimmune problem that most people depend on body language/expression cues a lot and it’s easy for me to be misunderstood.
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